i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
