You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
