The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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