I like to think it a success when the cops are called
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
