I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
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i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
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but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize