Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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