i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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