Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird