Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
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i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
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Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm like, not good at living.