im about as happy as oj after his trial
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly