Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit