so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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