turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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