Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
