I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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