I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
