Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
