Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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