I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
