I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
