dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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