i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
