You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
