Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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