I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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