We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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