Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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