Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
