call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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