Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Boobs speak an international language.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
