Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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