I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
