broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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