She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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