the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
