I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
