Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
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My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
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what is it with giant penises always finding me
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
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