im six kinds of drunk right now
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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