I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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