I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
