sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
