I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
