I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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