I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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