you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
