My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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