I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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