could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
