so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
