Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
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He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
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Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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