I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize