my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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