Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Randomize
