I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
