I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
