can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Randomize
