you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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