You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
