My room smells like vodka and shame
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
