it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
