I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
